Friday, June 7, 2013

 I don't want to live the "American Dream".

I thought I did once upon a time, but the more that life grows me up and grows me deep, and the more my hours put everything in light of the cross and in view of eternity, the less I want the dream.

Of course the feminine part of me that is created for security, wants a pretty, cozy home and debt gone and savings put aside but oh! I want so much more than that!
If I have a cozy home, I want it to be for loving others who need love. For being a place of refuge for those who have none. A place of joy and laughter and beauty that is so abundant we carry it with us wherever we go.

If I have money, I want it to be for pouring into lives that need. Clothes for the body, healing of wounds, and food for the soul.

I want to live beyond my world of me. Because "me" contains so much less, than a life lived in the Epic story of God's writing. I crave living out my role with utter abandon. For there is no other way to live other than in that which we've been created for, even when it comes at a cost. And we were created to abandon self to surrender to Him.

And while I do, I want to teach my children to live beyond their worlds.

I want them to know it's not about being spoiled and coddled and owning every, single thing they see in Wal*mart and all the material things that life has to offer. To know there is more than ice-cream treats and vacations and Chuck E Cheese

Even as I am the steward of their precious lives, caring for the beautiful gems they are as God has entrusted them to be, I want them to know it's not about them. It's about God. And they learn this by living beyond themselves and they learn that when I live beyond myself.

My heart longs to have them learn to be the hands and arms of Jesus. To know the beauty and passion and fullness of a life lived beyond themselves and spilled out into the lives of those who don't have.

To love the unloved.

I must be sure to not lose my children as I seek to save others

 but my heart also tells me that a part of the pursuit of my children's hearts, is also giving them the greatest gift I can ever give them--to teach them life is about so much more than them.

I know what selfishness and self-centered living does. Know it all too well. It wilts and atrophies the soul and takes all color and passion out of life. But to pour out, even as you are being poured into---there is no greater way to live.

I have been given so much, I can do nothing but give in return. The fire of this blazes within and grows more fierce with time, rather than being quenched.

We have embarked on this as a family with our Shiloh calling. There are many who support, some who disagree and when they speak, I find myself crushed for a bit -- until I remember Who has called me and The Cross He hung upon and how He has written our stories before time and the gift our story is. The gift of a world, so much greater and filled with so much more beauty than if we never lived out the narrative written for us.

The cost is high. The constant assessment of that cost is necessary and so are the hours in the early morning hours, spent alone, before the One calling us. Seeking His heart, determining that mine is still in line with His.  It means for a life that isn't as simple as it could be, but oh so rich and glorious in the beauty of life beyond us!

The paradox is one that makes no human sense and leads us out into a desert of loneliness as no one can walk fully with us in our calling and many stand in the observation fields telling us why it's wrong. And we'll be hurt. Because love hurts, and being misunderstood as we love, hurts even more.

But then, this all is not my heart, it's His. And His heart takes me beyond anything I could imagine for myself or my children and if I cast myself into that vision all is well. For that is where true life dwells.

Life abundant. Life full. Life of love. Life of intimacy.


This is what I want my children to know first-hand.

To learn to live beyond themselves because it is in the stretching out of their heart that they find their heart.


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I am a stay-at-home-wife and mother, busy with home educating my children, doing daycare, and preparing our church-turned-home to embrace special needs and terminally ill children in need of a forever family.
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