Thursday, April 18, 2013

Thorns Protect the Roses

A post in which I am painfully and transparently honest--but for a purpose.

 I want another baby. Via pregnancy.

I'm already on pins and needles for our Shiloh babies, heart aching as I daydream about meeting and holding them. In something that surprises even me, in addition to my heart babies,  I also want a pregnancy.

I just want babies coming at me from all directions.

It's been especially painful the past month, as those who announced their pregnancies at the same time we lost baby #3 last year, are having their little ones. While happy for them, the grief has hit full force as the photos have come across my FB feed and I see them snuggling their babies in church.

I'll have to go through the grief again in August as well, when August babies come and remind me of the little one we lost in the Fall with several weeks of questions and fear.

So all of this makes me crave another baby.

Badly.

Adopted and biological.

No matter I said after our Fall drama that I was done. I couldn't do it anymore emotionally. Getting pregnant wasn't worth the fear of the unknowns and then the crushing loss.

But it's like labor.

A Mama's heart quickly forgets and desires again.

Strongly.

But God is saying, "No".

He is saying "No" through scar tissue from Nathaniel's loss, and ever-worsening endometriosis. f we did get pregnant, a 7th time, it could be easily be a tubal. "Two normal miscarriages are a gift to you. The next one could be tubal given scar tissue and endometriosis. I would advise ceasing to try for pregnancy. I'll be your Dr if you keep trying but I would advise against it and encourage you to soak in the two children you have. Your risk is just so high if you keep trying."

You'd think that would be enough to not want it.

But it isn't.

And God keeps saying "No", because my heart just isn't getting it yet, even as my brain gets it.

"No" comes through increasing pelvic pain, taking my breath at certain times in the cycle. And that, with a high pain tolerance as a general rule. It is a pain that seems to indicate just how plastered my insides are. And cysts that are manifesting in other places that can be seen in an actual pelvic exam, or be felt underneath the skin at my incision cite. Which emphasizes the high risk I have for a tubal.  The Dr keeps pushing hormonal treatment to slow it all down.

And God keeps saying "No" through my husband who gently and lovingly says to me when I ask if his heart has changed for a baby, "We dodged the bullet twice last year on a tubal pregnancy with the miscarriages. I just don't want to push our luck. I just don't want you going through that. Miscarriage is bad enough, but a tubal? I can't go there for you Mel."

Such pain for a woman who had planned on a pregnancy every two years and a houseful of children.

Such surrender.

And the trust that God knows what is best for me and He's pointing towards it clearly via a Dr and my husband.

Dimly, through the craving driving my heart, for two pink lines and an actual viable pregnancy this time. . . for baby kicks in my womb. . . for that first moment when that baby is on my stomach. . . the sweet nursing sessions in the months that follow. . . the newborn squish on my shoulder in the early morning hours. . . dimly through that longing that has me in tears some days, I believe that God's "No" is for my best and for His glory and for Shiloh's calling.

I can't see what the "No" is preventing.

Maybe my worst fear of another tubal. Maybe my second worst fear of yet another miscarriage. Maybe the chaos that vomiting every 30-60 minutes during pregnancy brings my family. Maybe the pre-term contractions  that put me on restricted lifestyle and that I have to take a crazy med for, that messes with my mind and heart rate. Maybe the delayed Shiloh plans as we stop life for a difficult pregnancy  and then the newborn phase.

Logically I can see it.

How can I not? It makes no sense to even want a pregnancy given those factors!

Spiritually I can see it.

But that Mama heart that was created to bear children can't get there emotionally. . . yet. 

So I submit to God's clear "No" and my submission with tears is my sacrifice of worship. My sacrifice of obedient surrender and broken praise, choosing to trust that His way is better than mine when my heart cries out differently.

I visited it again with Handsome over the weekend, one more time, "just in case".

His heart is firm. We can't pursue such a risky venture. We just can't.

And my pain level is affecting "us". I couldn't even go outside to work this past weekend on a project we had planned on working on, because I could only focus on getting through the next hour. With that being a significant part to our weekend, when normally, I thrive on outdoor work and love our times together when we can tackle it, and Handsome's heart on the entire matter, what has been a question of confusion as to "What do I do!?", became a pretty clear-cut direction by Sunday evening---I have to pursue the pills and trust the side effects will be less than the gains.

And it broke me Sunday as I talked to my husband and finally accepted what needs to be done. 

The permanency of submitting to no more pregnancy---forever--- leaves tears as painful as they were during infertility.

Then, it was longing for the unknown experience.

Now, it is longing for the known experience.

But God knows best. He sees what I do not. He understands what I can't. And He sees the eternal as well as the earthly and knows how it all works together for His plan that is for my best and His glory.

The thorn of no more pregnancies protects the roses of His promise. Roses I can faintly sense in my vision but also roses I'm not even aware of yet. Roses of eternity that when I arrive there, this "No" now, will make full, beautiful sense then.


So why do I write this? When honestly, I'd rather keep such pain private? Because it's draining to share it and makes me feel more vulnerable with those who would trample this part of my heart with their cold logic of why this shouldn't hurt me and how I just need to count the blessings I have in hand?

Because there are some of you out there and you are fighting God's "No" as I have been the past months, even though it's been clear in the circumstances of my life and my husband's leadership.

You're trying to control your "No" into a "Yes", but trying to take matters into your own hands. Or you're angry and resentful that He's saying "No". And all you can see is that "No" and it has you blinded to the fact that the "No" is being offered with eternity in mind and even your best in mind.

And because some of you are getting your "No" via your husband's leadership and you're angry with him and you're shut down from him and you can only think he's being selfish and for himself and instead you need to see that he is God's gift to protect you from something and guide you into God's best intended purpose for your life. Your husband is not only protecting, but is helping set you on a path that frees you up for an even greater gift, if you will but just surrender and wait quietly before the Lord for what He reveals through the results of the "No".

I know that "No" is painful. I know this well. Many broken tears have been shed recently. But my Sisters, "No" is more painful when you fight it and close your eyes off to the eternal perspective, and instead closely hold anger and resentment in your heart because of it.

Surrendering does not take the hurt and sadness away but it does deliver a peace that passes understanding and a knowledge in your heart that the "No" is for something greater and more beautiful than your heart could dream up. Even as the tears fall, there is poignancy of understanding and awe that there is a reason. A reason that is so much bigger than us and our wants and a reason, that if we surrender to it, will yield more joy and awe than we knew was possible. A reason that impacts eternity and our lifetime there. 

Maybe once we are there, He will allow a glimpse of what life could have been like if He had said "Yes"---and in that glimpse we will be given the sight of the heartache He protected us from in the "No". We'll see the blessings and the gifts that came from His heart-breaking "No". And we'll fall to our knees in worship  grasping the indescribable beauty of the thorn of the "No" that protected our life, our calling, and our heart.



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