Monday, January 14, 2013

Every Act, Worship

The dollhouse chaos, representative of my own home in the aftermath of a day of daycare and motherhood.

The couch piled with toys, representative of piled emotions, jumbled, with sorting an overwhelming task.

The pieces of toy in places where they don't belong, representative of my own felt position in life, wondering what place is now mine.

 "I feel like a nobody", I told my husband last week and at the start of this, a rare trembling in my lips and tears in my eyes. "There is no significance to this. I used to be significant."

"This is the greatest task you can do."

The ears have heard it, the mouth has spoken it countless times to others. The heart just isn't owning it.

Not right now.

The emotions are in the way of what is logically known. There is a feeling of insignificance so the logic of actions of today, molding the world of tomorrow, has no bearing.

A missed career where not only did the way of dress, create a feeling of feminism and professionalism, the purpose of walking in the door lent grand meaning to every day. Tears were wiped, not over spilt milk and stolen toys but over wounds that went so deep only Jesus could heal. Hugs were given to those who never had one and received from those learning to love. And beacons of light shone from eyes grasping what healing meant and what it could mean and that it could truly be theirs.

Life through the Holy Spirit had deeper reliance then. Just the right word for the one thinking of slicing their wrist or considering the confrontation of a lifetime or battling the demons of addiction, relied completely on His leading.

Is this needed for who gets what toy, what snack to fix, and whether or not to sit down and read books or send them outside in the chill?

Desperation for God-direction, for with self-reliance the wrong move could be made, altering a life with ramifications impacting the weight of the world, caused a sense of His constant presence within that office, guiding and directing.

In matters of childhood only a covering of exhaustion exists, dimming the felt presence of His leading. Therefore, not only is significance and identity grieved, so is the awareness of moving and breathing and living in Him. Partnering with Him in matters of life-altering situations.

But isn't this a place where His presence is needed just as much? Because fragile hearts can be torn apart by weary words, fueled by wistfulness to matter. Minds can form patterns of self-worth based on the interaction with the lives housing them. This is the future and the dependence on their Creator is just as necessary as dependence upon Jehovah Rapha for broken lives.

This is the sacrifice of ministry, low in the hidden valley, obscured by the seemingly trivial matters of toddlers and young lives. Perhaps the need of Him is more so in this valley of lonely insignificant messes and jumbles and messes and sticky tears, for loneliness and weariness can fuel resentment and cruel actions and neglect as we check out and wish for what was and what could be if we chose a different path than this.

This stay at home thing where demands are shouted hourly and thank you's are very rarely issued and messes are made as soon as they are picked up. This valley of yoga pants and t-shirts decorated with snot and tears stains. This place of being unknown and unimportant and feeling oh-so-insignificant. This is where we so desperately need Him. The One through Whom we do have worth and purpose. The One who takes the messy loneliness of today and turns it into a a value beyond comprehension, tomorrow. Who wipes away the hidden tears of sadness at how much we miss the old days of mattering, and bottles even those with His promise.

 "One of the greatest hindrances to internal peace which the Christian encounters is the common habit of dividing our lives into two areas, the sacred and secular. . . our lives tend to break up so that we live a divided life instead of a unified life. 

Against the sacred acts are the secular ones. They include all the ordinary activities of life which we share with the sons and daughters of Adam. . . performing our dull and prosaic duties here on earth. These we often do reluctantly and with many misgivings, often apologizing to God for what we consider a waste of time and strength. . . 

{However} Paul's exhortation to do all to the glory of God is more than pious idealism. .  It opens before us the possibility of making every act of our lives contribute to the glory of God. . . by one act of consecration of our total selves to God, we can make every subsequent act express that consecration. . . We must practice living to the glory of God, actually and determinedly. . . 

[All labors can be performed as acts of worship] . .  .We must offer all our acts to God and believe that He accepts them. . . 

Let every man abide in the calling wherein he is called and his work will be as sacred as the work of the ministry. . . 

I want to live so fully in the Spirit that all my life be as sweet incense ascending to Thee and every act of my life, an act of worship."          ~ The Pursuit of God, A.W. Tozer
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While this is stated on the blog purpose page, it is also an important enough disclaimer for me to feel a need to place on this front page for first-time visitors.
I am a stay-at-home-wife and mother, busy with home educating my children, doing daycare, and preparing our church-turned-home to embrace special needs and terminally ill children in need of a forever family.
These "Hidden Valley Ministries" are my first and top priority.
While the passions that drive this blog are a close second, they are exactly that --- a second. And so, there may be periods of time where no new posts appear.
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