Monday, December 31, 2012

The Wall of Blocked Dreams

This final day of 2012, the highlights of the previous year could be recorded. 

Or the goals of the coming year, about to be stepped over into, in that moment between 11:59 p.m. and 12:00 p.m., placed here for accountability.

Instead, the passage as shared below, keeps coming to mind, recently read. Read on a day of utter frustration that I still dwell in an unfinished house, with an oven that does not work, a shower in a bathroom with skeletal walls and a broken up cement floor, a living room decorated with storage boxes, and a bedroom, meant to house beating hearts encased in warm, cuddly bodies, made into my husband's temporary work room instead.

A day of being reminded that I am surrounded in chaos not the heart children I long to fill our home to the brim. A day of feeling stuck in place, dependent upon circumstances and my spouse's time budget, to break me out of the mire and unable to control a single forward step for myself in the meantime. A day of tears, missing those whom I long to embrace and call by name, blurred faces of the unknown in my heart, finally made clearly distinct within my two hands as I gaze upon them.

Moping around my house, reverting to my tendency to block those I love out of my heart in my self-pity of frustrated goals and only emerging to snap and find fault, I was rebuked with the letter in the mail. Read twice, poured out within my heart, taking tight hold of personal responsibility as I realized it was an apt word at the exact moment of need.

There are no mistakes, even in the timing of the mail.
"Do you sense [God] has spoken to your heart, 'I have prepared something special for you. You're about to enter a walk with me you've never known before'? . . . If this describes your life right now, I can tell you. . . Get ready to examine your heart. 
Crazy faith is believing that no matter how good things are, the best is yet to come. It's a faith that says, 'As much as we dream and do big things for God's kingdom, His vision is always greater.'
God is behind every glorious work and He will not share His glory. He won't allow any obstacle to get in the way of the shining brilliance of His Son. Therefore, He needs clean vessels to do His work. So at the very peak moment when His blessings and power are flowing freely, He says, 'Pause now and put it all on hold. I want you to examine your heart.'

Just when we're poised on the brink of God's greatest work in our lives, He asks us to reflect on these questions:
'Is there anything in my heart that's displeasing to the Lord? Have I neglected to do something He's asked of me? I want nothing in my life to hinder what God wants to do.'
God is forever bringing His people to this point. Why? Before God can bring a out His best, He has to do something deep in us.

Our God wants to do mighty things through us. He wants to express His love to the world through us. So if we're clinging to one thing that gets in the way of His accomplishing that, He points it out to us.

[And] yet, sometimes God wants us to add something to our lives before He brings us His best. This may involve something we haven't done. So He also wants us to ask, 'Have I been slow to respond to something God has asked me to do?'

Never overlook a nagging issue of the heart no matter how small. God puts His finger on these matters for a reason: to reveal our heart's response to Him. 

Yes, God has greater things in store for us. But we can't enter into them until we deal with the issues of our hearts first. Your issue may be small thing, but in God's eyes, it's the one important thing at this moment. Without addressing it, there is no future of walking in His best. God always wants everything in order before He opens the door to the next amazing stage of His work"
                                                                                 ~ David Wilkerson, World Challenge Pulpit Series

I know the deep work that needs to take place. I know it as certainly as I know I am writing right now. 

And here I stop and I hesitate. For some things are to be kept secret in the heart, only between God and the chastened one.

At the same time, I long to let you all know, "You aren't alone with your stuff that needs cleaning out and surgery. I'm right there with you. Here is me, laid bare, to encourage you as you muddle through too. Because I'm muddling with you. "

In the seeking of balance between transparency and dwelling in my prayer closet with God alone, I can put here in general fashion, that I stumble in the area of love. A lifetime of wounds causes me to tend to withhold my heart from love. Utterly, abandoned, poured out, passionate love. Even a hint of possible hurt or loss, and walls familiar and easily re-built, are raised back up in a simple cycle of inhaled and exhaled breath. Love is then given at a distance as I anchor myself behind these walls.

When one is used to waiting for the bomb to fall and the other shoe to drop---because too often it has--that heart often lives in self-protection mode. Self-protection walks hand-in-hand with independence. "I am fine without you. In fact, I am safer without you. Potential hurt is too much to bear. So I will only come so far as to not be wounded and you are only allowed so far as to not add to that which already scars."

Is this vague?

I suppose it is.

Yet for those who live as I do, you get this. You read this and you know, for this is your heart too. And it is to you I write today. Because you also know God has great things planned for you. You have sensed it. You have even been given a glimpse. But you and God can't go there yet because you still need to learn to love with utter abandon, especially those who are the closest to you. "God always wants everything in order before He opens the door to the next amazing stage of His work" And for you, for me, this order is the order of our heart and a removal of our self-protection and proud independence.

But how to put in order?

We can't.

He can.

He can, He does, when we run the hurt of wounds already in place and the fear of wounds that potentially may come when we quit protecting our heart and open it up with utter abandon to love those surrounding us no matter the outcome.

To open up to love is to also open up to hurt. It can not be any other way. So really, what He is asking is, "Are you willing to be hurt so that I may accomplish the great dream I have planned for you?"And those of us, with a lifetime of hurt as our experience and point of reference, hesitate and say, "Can't you accomplish the dream without asking this of me?"

His response is firm. "No. I can not. It can't reach it's full potential until your heart has found it's full potential. The dream can only be fully realized through self-abandoned, poured out, reckless love."

So we cast on him the hopes and desires of our heart. For security and acceptance and abandoned, reckless love in return. We cast it, realizing, accepting, we may not receive it. But casting it, for we realize that He is enough and He is our portion,when those we pour into, fail to pour back. Casting it, for our heart calls us beyond this place, to something so much greater- and this lack of self-abandoned, reckless love is the hindrance to the fulfillment.

Before God can bring out His best, He has to do something deep in us.

Cast yourself into the deep of Him, so that He can fulfill His vision of His best for you in this coming year.

I'm casting myself right beside you, Dear Friend. . .

Happy, Blessed New Year. 


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