Share something you miss from before you were a mom. (inspired by Life’s Unexpected Blessings)
Freedom from fear.
Countless sat in my office for anxiety and every time I would say, "I've struggled with depression but not anxiety. I can help you from sympathy and from knowledge but I can't help from empathy."
Then I became pregnant.
And fear entered my life.
Would I lose the baby? Would bed rest actually help me keep the pregnancy? Would the baby have any health issues that an ultrasound would reveal? Why hasn't the baby moved in several hours? What if I can't be a good mom?
"It doesn't get any better after the baby comes, Dear. You don't breath a sigh of relief once they're born. In fact, it often gets worse." The words of a wise Mama almost made me angry. I just wanted a full term pregnancy with no complications. I resented that she was telling me my fears would multiply once that ideal was achieved.
I had no idea how on point her words were.
A few weeks after Miraclegirl was born I found myself wishing I had never had her. Because the pain of worrying about her was an emotional drain constantly cutting my heart to pieces. I now fully understood the statement that having a child is choosing to have your heart walk around outside your body. My heart had truly left my body and was now subjected to a pain greater than ever comprehended as I gazed into that tiny face.
As great as the love, even greater the pain of worry.
Post-partum depression was the cause of some, gradually growing worse with every pregnancy. Some was just that trigger few warn you about, that is somehow pulled once baby comes out. That trigger that makes a Mama creates every last worst-case scenario that can happen, in her mind and obssess, playing it out repeatedly in blow by blow detail.
It can torment if allowed.
I work hard at not allowing it.
I miss the days of hopping in a car without second thought of perhaps an accident could happen and my children might suffer.
I miss the days of sleeping through the night without waking up in a sudden urge to go make sure no one snuck in and took them like too many news stories I've heard about.
I miss the days of going to the store and getting involved in comparing prices without my heart stopping because a child is out of my line of vision when I glance up.
I miss the days when grumpiness affected just me and I didn't have to fear that I was emotionally hurting my child permanently to be that way.
I miss the days of going outside to chase a storm rather than wondering how bad it will get and if my children will be hurt as a result.
I miss the days of getting violently ill without worrying my child will get it next and what will it do to their little body.
I miss the days of writing in silence because now, if I write in silence it means one or more of my children are with their grandparents and I'm worrying they might get hurt or kidnapped while out of my sight.
I miss the days of crawling into bed at night never once worrying that my failures of the day will forever impact my child's heart in a wounded way.
I miss the naivete of all the scary that can happen to a child---my child.
I miss my heart not hurting even more than it loves.
I miss the emptiness of a mind that didn't even consider worst case scenarios, much less was filled with nothing but on a regular basis.
I miss freedom from fear.