"Huge waves that frighten the ordinary swimmer produce a tremendous thrill for the surfer"
Oswald Chambers
We're surfing baby, we're surfing!
As our lil man struggles with whatever is causing him to scream 75-80% of the time, I keep reminding myself of what The Meadows is all about. . . children with medical needs, who will need time and attention. What I learn with my lil man is what I will carry with me through the next decades of my life.
And what exactly is it, that I am learning?
~ I am learning that I am different than I was even 5 years ago. A situation that would have had me melting down every other hour has only pushed me into crying out to God instead. Instead of tears and self-pity and frustration, I've changed so much that I'm now going with the flow.
So my entertainment center has dust on it and I have piles of perpetual laundry waiting to be folded. Life goes on. It's ok. It's just dust. It's just laundry.
A comforted infant and a 3 year old who has been given attention is more important.
~ I am learning how to wear a baby and cook, clean, and even load a wood stove while his dead weight hangs off my shoulders in a Moby Wrap. Pregnancy was not the end of the heavy front-end. It was only the beginning. . .
~ I'm learning, bad sleeper that I formerly was, how to sleep hard and fast when an opportunity presents itself to do so.
~ I am learning how to keep my husband first even though the children seem to be demanding my all. This means deliberately speaking above the screaming infant in the baby carrier and asking him how his day went. It means giving up an hour of sleep in the morning when both children are finally sound asleep and getting up with him so we can focus on us. It's reaching for his hand whenever one of mine are free and laying one on him, even when the last thing I feel like doing is giving a passionate kiss.
~ I am learning all over again, the power of praise and worship music and how it can soothe my soul when it is weary and at it's wits end.
~ I am learning that God's grace is sufficient in my utter weakness and not only can I live life during the day as wife and mama--I can live it abundantly admidst screams and exhaustion from sleepless nights.
~ I'm learning how big my heart is. This heart that was once self-centered and selfish is learning how to deny self to do what is best for my children and my husband. Given who I once was, this is nothing short of God's miraculous transformation--and it thrills me. I have a looong way to go in the selfishiness department, that's for sure, but in light of how ugly it once was, the epitome of it being about MY wants, MY agenda, MY needs, I praise God I can actually see growth in this area. It gives me hope for all the other areas I need growth in!
~ I'm learning how to life life with stark, sometimes harsh, often exhausting reality, and still pour out to my family when humanly, there feels there is nothing in my heart to give.
In short, I'm learning about love.
Love that flows from God in ways past understanding.
Love that is stronger than screams and weariness.
Love that is stronger than self.
True Love.
God's Love.
That even as I give out, is poured back into me from my Daddy God.
The more love I give, the more love He gives to me.
I feel it. My heart is full of it.
It awes me.
What beauty.
What love!
