Oh, I still have the tidal waves of grief, but this day, it was a different emotion that swept my soul instead of the grief and loss. On this particular day I felt a calm assurance, acceptance, and peace that all was well.
It came in the most unexpected way.
Miracle-girl's grandparents wanted to take her to the pumpkin farm. I am hesitant to share, that up til now, other than when I was in the hospital this past summer, I have not "let" them take her. I have had her go to their house for a day or afternoon at least once a week but I have found reasons why they can't take her on "trips".If you're new to this blog, you haven't learned yet of my tendency towards fear and anxiety. If it could happen, I fear it. Things that torment me include:
~ My daughter being kidnapped and horrificly abused.
~ Her being trapped in a car or house fire and having to hear her scream and be unable to get to her.
~ My husband forgetting about her at the store and leaving her in the car on a hot summer day.
etc, etc , etc.
In my mind, if there was a fire, for example, I can see my Mama-bear heart risking my own burning, in order to get to her. But would a grandparents love do that? And if not, should I risk her going with them, in case an accident happens and the car catches on fire?
I know. Absolute foolishness - -to those of you that have no issues with anxiety that is. Those of us that do, there are real fears that plague our minds and keep us from getting work accomplished while they hover over us like black monsters digging their claws deep into our hearts and brains.
So that day I was going through all the worst case scenarios possible, but in the end, knew I had to trust that my Daddy God could take care of my girl as well as He would if she was with me. So with a prayer and a blessing spoken over her, I packed her off to Gramma and Grampa's house. When I left her, she was so excited she didn't even say goodbye.
As I hopped back into my husband's truck, a thought hit me. . . I will never worry about my two babies in heaven. Never, ever. They are safe from all harm. There are no fires, or child rapists, or kidnappers, or car accidents, or terminal illnesses up there. They are in a perfect environment, safe from all potential harm.
These children of mine are as real to me as my daughter is. Some days they, and their heavenly home, seem to very close to me, as if I could but shut my eyes and reach out and touch it. But unlike my daughter, I will never lie awake at night struggling with anxiety over their well-being. I will never find that half my day has been whittled away because I let fears of "what if" consume my mind instead of God's truth.
I miss them dearly. How I long to hold them. The tears still come readily over our little one we just lost not even four months ago. But I don't fear for them. As this realization hit me, so did the acceptance that there is a blessing to this pain. I have two children I never have to worry about.
With this realization is also a reality I am trying to grasp. The same Father that they are with, and Who protects them and takes care of them in our time of separation, is the same Father who has my daughter in the palm of His hand as well. If I can trust my boys to him, surely, I can trust my girl to Him.
Once a week, those who want to share a particular lesson or incident that took place in their Hidden Valley of being a stay-at-home-Mama, can do so through this meme. It may be something God taught you, a moment of letting your kids play in the mud as you realize a little dirt doesn't hurt anybody, or a video that stuck a chord in your soul. Whatever it is, if it touched you, share it with us!
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3 comments:
That was such a great post! I could read it over and over and still get something more out of it every time :)
LocaChica
I can relate. I worry. God teaches me often on this same subject.
As much as I want to protect my daughter, I also know that the hard things in my life have made me a deeper and better person.
thanks for sharing what you are learning! I'm glad your boys are safe in the arms of their Lord.
"I know. Absolute foolishness - -to those of you that have no issues with anxiety that is. Those of us that do, there are real fears that plague our minds and keep us from getting work accomplished while they hover over us like black monsters digging their claws deep into our hearts and brains."
I do know, and I also know how dreadful it feels knowing it is foolishness, yet you just can't seem to make your mind believe you.
I know it had to take a lot to post that, and I applaud you!
~ Rose
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